If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
