Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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