she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
