ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I am naked and annoyed.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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