Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
