i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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