chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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