Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i think my cat just said my name.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
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