I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She even gives head with a lisp.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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