and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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