I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
