i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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