Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize