omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
