I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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