I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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