vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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