I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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