is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize