he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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