I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
