she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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