just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
