it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
