I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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