my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
