I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
