I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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