note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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