OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Do vagina's smell?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
