no, he came in my armpit
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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