One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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