i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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