also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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