I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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