Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
