Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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