Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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