Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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