The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
