Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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