I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Someone came in the potted fern
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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