paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
