puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize