After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
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