i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
