she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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