Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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