omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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