I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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