The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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