Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
