Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
