Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
