I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
