FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
