Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
