I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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