she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
