she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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