No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize