I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
