I am puke
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
