I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
