I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
